Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
