Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
