My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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