one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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