My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize