I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
