it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
