Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
