He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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