I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
