Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
