I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize