Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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