Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
