Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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