How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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