please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
