I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
