and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
