i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
