just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize