I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
