So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
