You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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