I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
