Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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