I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
