Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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