I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You are the jesus of drinking
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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