In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
