My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize