her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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