I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
