Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
