You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
