I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
