At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
