dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
