It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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