I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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