Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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