the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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