Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize