see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
