my phone needs a breathalizer
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
