He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
