Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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