Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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