Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
