i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
