Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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