i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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