i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
