You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
