I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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