This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
