Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
