She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
