Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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