He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
