Hey man sorry I got all grabby
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
