i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize