dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
