After last night, I could never be a politician.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
worst night to have a conscience
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
