Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
