I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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