i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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