The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
